...the Life and Times of Karolyn Lewis.

Monday, March 5, 2012

My Own Dose of Funny

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Me:  (calling Liliana from another part of the house) Liliana... come here babe.
Liliana: (calling back) Why did you go under they-yer?
Me:  (calling back to her) Under where?
Liliana:  Haaaaaaaah!  I made you say under way-yer!!!!!  Heeeheeeheeee!!!

Henry:  Why is your bottom so big, Mama?

Guess I should have kept right on going past Krispy Kreme this morning.  Darn donuts.

The kids were prattling on in the kitchen when I hear one of them say, "I'm not FAT!  Daddy's FAT!" Then another piped in with, "Yep, Daddy's fat.  Daddy's definitely fat."


Liliana:  They're having a yard sale!!
Me:  No, that's a voting precinct.  People go there to vote.
Liliana:  For what?
Me:  For the President.  (wondering how well she's been listening) Who do you want to be President?
Liliana: I don't know their names.
( So I tell her.  Then we talk about who I voted for.)
Liliana:  Is the first guy bad?
Me: Well, no, he just doesn't follow the Bible.
Liliana:  So he kicks people.
Me:  Well...
Liliana: (interrupting) And he punches popele in the nuts?
Me:  LILIANA!  We don't talk like that.

If only it were that simple!  (I must admit I'm happy to live in a home where we do not bash the President of our nation- even when we disagree with him.)

At dinner Michal was talking about Middle School and wondering (not too pleased) why she can't go next year.

Zeb:  She suffered from it and she doesn't want us suffering from it.

Michal:  Yeah, I heard her say it was the worst 3 years of her life!  (chuckle, chuckle)

Middle school sounds a bit like a bad rash, huh?


Our goose, Sharpay, laid her first egg yesterday; and although it wasn't golden, we were excited just the same.  Due to the fact that her mate, Howard, committed suicide a month ago, we are confident that there is no chance a baby goose is in that egg!  The girls aren't so sure, though, and want to put it in the incubator.  There is no reasoning with Liliana, but with Michal...

Michal:  Mom, let's hatch it!
Me:  It's not fertile, baby.
Michal:  But how do you knooooowwwww?
Me:  Because you need a boy and a girl to make an egg fertile.
Michal:  But there could be a boy in that egg.  That may work.
Me:  No, you need Howard and Sharpay together.  A boy and a girl together.
Michal: (somewhat disappointed) Is that a law?
Me:  (giving pause) Pretty much...


Liliana:  Mom, I'm in fuhst gwade and that's too old to be wetting my pull-up.  Can I just sleep on the toilet?


nightmares of a six year old girly-girl...

Liliana crawled in bed with me this morning after having a horrible dream. "Tell me about it, baby," I say.

"I was at Warl-mart and a man took my Barbie and poured glitter on all my stuff."
"Oh, no!" I replied, "Could you get the glitter off?"
"No, it was sticky glitter."

I'm thinking a therapist may be in order.  Where and when and how much glitter we use is a personal decision, darn it.


I wanted to know if Liliana understood the concept of sin so I asked her.
Me:  Do you know what sin is?
Liliana: It's when you do bad things like stick your toe in someone's food.
Me: Have you ever sinned?
Liliana:  (emphatically) No mam!

Me: Zeb, did you brush your teeth?
Zeb:  Yes m'am.
Me: (doubtful) You did?
Zeb:  Yes m'am.
Me:  (still doubtful) Tonight?
Zeb: Yes m'am! (insert quick finger snap/point combination here) You can pray to God and ask Him and He'll say "Yes!"

Our house rules hang prominently in the kitchen.  These rules came straight from my brain- so if you're wondering why they're simple, well, there ya' go.  Here they are:

So Liliana did something very unkind the other day and the "great suffering" entitled to her was not administered right away.  A few hours later I called her to me.  The convo went like this:

Me:  Liliana, what you did to Henry was very unkind and now it's time for your punishment.
Liliana:  But Mama, youuuuuu, bwoke a wule, too.  Youuuuuu  didn't act quickly.  You're supposed to act quickly and youuuuu  bwoke the wule, too.

Needless to say, there wasn't much suffering after that conversation.  I did learn a lesson, though!  I need to Obey Quickly as well.  I expect immediate obedience.  When that doesn't happen, they should expect immediate discipline.

I've been working very hard with Henry about not touching or messing with things that don't belong to him.  This is not an easy task.  He touches EVERYTHING!!!

Me:  Henry, is that yours?
Henry:  No sir. (he rarely uses m'am)
Me:  Why are you touching it?
Henry:  I don't knowwwwww....  I don't know how to stop touching everything.  When you go to Africa they touch everything all the time.

Me:  Henry why do you lie to me?
Henry:  I don't knowwwwwww.
Me:  Do you like spankings?
Henry:  Noooooo.  
Me:  You must because you lie and when you lie you get a spanking.
Henry: I don't like spanking.
Me:  Then why do you lie?
Henry: Zeb teaches me to lie.
Me:  I don't think so.
Henry:  Well, I think so!

Liliana:  Michal kicked me in my nuts!!!!
Me:  Liliana, you don't have nuts.
Liliana: (enlightened) Oh.  She kicked me in my business.

Liliana:  Mama,  every night I go to sleep and when I wake up it's morning. I don't know how that happens, but it does.  Every time.

Zeb:  Mama, what did they call TV when you were young?
Me:  TV.
Zeb:  Really?

Liliana:  Mama, how do you say I love you in Hand Spanish.

Pretty sure she's talking about sign language.


Michal:  ALRIGHT, who sliced the cheese???!!!

Zeb:  Mom, I learned a new bad word today at school.
Me:  What is it?
Zeb:  (whispering in my ear- although no one else is around) m-a-g-g-e-t
Me:  Maggot?  Maggot's not a bad word.
Zeb:  Wait, maybe it's not maggot....  Uhmmmm...  Man, I can't remember it... Wait... Wait!!  Oh, yeah... it's f-a-g-g-e-t.  That's it.
Me:  Yeah, that's not a nice word.  Don't say it.

Not once did he ask me what it meant.

While Liliana has ceased calling people humans- now they're just people, Henry has started calling his brother and sisters "friends."  Don't tell me he's not picking things up at preschool.  "Mama, I just want to play with my friends.  I don't want to go clean my room."

Michal:  Is the clock on the stove an hour behind?
Me:  Yes, I haven't changed it yet.
Michal:  Why do we change the time?
Me: (hoping this is correct) To make the day longer.  It helps us to conserve energy.  We don't have to keep the lights on as long.
Michal:  But how does the sun know?

Henry:  Lili, where you from?
Liliana:  I'm from nowhere.  I'm from...  I wasn't adopted.  I'm from no where.  I'm from Mama's belly.  I'm from Mama, and that's just nasty.

Zeb is going snow skiing for the first time with my parents during Spring Break.  He is not happy about going to ski school.

Me: Zeb, why don't you want to go to ski school?
Zeb: I just don't like the idea of going to another country and going to school with people I don't know.
Me: You're not going to another country, you're going to another state.
Zeb: But Asia is a continent.
Me: Yes, and Colorado is a state.
Zeb: But China is a country in Asia, and Asia is a continent.
Me:  Go get the globe...

Michal:  "For Peter's sake, Zeb! Shut the door."

Henry: Mama!! I've got good news!!!!
Me: You do?
Henry: (with a total I'm going to be really funny face and voice...) Home is over!!  Time to go back to Africa! (followed by 5 good minutes of laughter)

1 comment:

  1. 3/5/2012
    Henry: Lili, where you from?
    Liliana: I'm from nowhere. I'm from... I wasn't adopted. I'm from no where. I'm from Mama's belly. I'm from Mama and that's just nasty.
    This cracked me up, ROFL!!! Nika and I have been telling Pauly theres a baby in Mommy's tummy, and he freaks HAHA!! Don't think he likes the thought of it..